Oh how I loathe thee….

This week has been filled with some good and bad times. So first it started with some man telling me about how other men were focusing on mine and another persons bodies. Granted that I think we have nice bodies but don’t base all your assumptions and likeability on just that. So then I’m there another night this week, and I hear some more stuff from another person. I mean can I not work without feeling like you undressing me with your eyes damn it. You know what I hate and despise people who just blatantly openly cheat on there girlfriends, wives, etc. How can you say that you love somebody, that you ready to marry them, ready to buy a house with this person but yet you cheat on them with every hood rat you see. I never understood that, obviously you don’t really love that person. I don’t care how good you are and the things that you can do, nobody deserves to be cheated on and have there feelings hurt just for your pleasure. I really can’t stand how people will start to pay more attention to you when you start ignoring them isn’t that backwards. Don’t start telling I smell good, that I look nice today, when all you doing is pulling me along on your damn string so you can always have me there.

I have a kind of mentor, right and he never holds back on nothing he says. He tells me don’t ask a question you don’t want an honest answer to. So he told me one day last week that this man will start paying attention to me when he thinks I’m almost ready to forget about him completely. He was like he will do it every few months to get me reattached to him and I sat there not believing what he was saying trying my best to find a flaw in his theory but yet I found none. How could it be that I fell for this scam of a man. Granted the last time we actually “dated per se” was last summer, but still through all of that I was still his cheerleader talking about all the goodness of him. This past weekend though I realized it more than ever that he was and will always be the “player” it didn’t matter that he had future wifey at home waiting for him in the bed, he still had to find other places to stick his penis. You know I realized that I felt more pain and hurt for a woman that I didn’t even know than I felt for myself. How is it that she doesn’t see what I and everyone else can plainly now see. When I first saw him and met him I thought he was some kind of godsend. How could he not have been. He was charming, attractive, we shared the same kind of goals, he was in the church, but yet there was something always off about him. I couldn’t figure it out though once he got my oxytocin pumping with all those weekly sessions I was his puppet. Man if I was wasn’t available every time he called ready to be whatever he wanted me to be. That’s the funny thing about sex, when you have sex your body releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone of love in a way, you see during sex your body releases a hormone(oxytocin) this hormone helps to form the bond of a monogamous relationship with the person you just had sex with. It increases arousal for both the man and woman. It increases the level of trust that you feel with this person. So basically its your bodies way of making you feel “sprung” for this person. So now it starts to make more sense as to why she may not realize the information that everyone else already knows. She believes that she is in a committed monogamous relationship with this man, so her oxytocin levels have increased after each does of love making increasing her trust in this stupid excuse for a man. So she doesn’t really feel that slight hint of women’s intuition in the back of her head like I started to feel when I was with him. I will say that it was great, awesome and a whole lot of other words but in reality I was no more than a summer jump off.

So then my mentor and I start discussing this man I used to date. My mentor always told me from the jump that I was nothing but a trophy to this man, I wasn’t going to be more than the black girl that he can say that he experienced. You know what I told my mentor that he was wrong, that this man was actually nice, that he didn’t just see me for my race he saw me as a woman that he wanted to date. I have begun to get so used to men treating me like crap that when this man actually opened doors, took me on real dates back to back, let me help him cook, layered on the compliments every time he got a chance(oh you smell so good, I can‘t keep my eyes on the road thinking about your beautiful face) I remember one day we were in my room and I told him your eyes are so pretty(they are though, there like some kind of bright blue) and he was like your everything is beautiful. To say the least I was mesmerized. Man you couldn’t tell me nothing. I knew this was going to last for a while. How could it not when he was treating me like this from the jump(and this was without any release of oxytocin). I’m not going to say that I didn’t feel awkward when we would walk around downtown. It seemed like every black man was staring at me as I walked down the street with this white man. I sometimes felt entirely out of place when we were in public but I pushed it aside because I was so enamored with the way he treated me. So could you believe the shock on my face when I got a text one day telling me that we couldn’t be together because of his old girlfriend. I couldn’t believe it I cried for like a day wondering what did I do, thinking about how I messed up this wonderful opportunity. Especially when my sister had actually liked this guy. We didn’t think he was like a Brad Pitt or nothing but we thought he was cute, nice and he treated me right so that was all that mattered. Man did I feel weird the next time I saw him. I remember he walked up to where I was at one day and was like “hi stranger” in my head I was screaming at him like how could you say hi stranger to me. I was the one who was dumped by you for a woman that you can’t stand. I was the one who still texted the mythical creature sometimes to see how you were doing, but yet you call me the stranger. I hated him in my heart for so long after that happened. I couldn’t imagine that a guy can go from treating you like a queen to you suddenly becoming the peasant. But yet my mentor had saw it coming a MILE away, so when I finally told him he was like told you so.

this is how im feeling lol

this is how i'm feeling lol



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