Dinner with the Gnome….

So last night as I was working the front desk with Ofc 80s Porn Star(really thats what he looks like not that I have seen 80s porn or anything lol) and he was like Kemeke ( he never says my name right) what are you doing for dinner? I told him nothing that I know of and he was like so maybe you would want to eat dinner with Ofc Gnome (not his real name but a very close description of him) and me. In my mind I’m thinking of all kinds of excuses to not eat dinner with them, but then it dawns on me this might be what we need to get real closure to the relationship that we had. So I sit and endure the jokes about the gnomes and my relationship, I hear all the beetle jokes (yes he drove a beetle, with personalized tags), the height jokes, the oreo jokes, etc. Granted I had not spoken to this man at all since December, the most I have had at communication was a slight wave, I had to speak to him over the phone one day when he called about some warrants to see if we had them in hand at the station. Since then though we have both been avoiding each other as much as possible. So finally I see that the Gnome is x-17 to the station. I go to the bathroom to fix my hair and put some chap stick on don’t want to look like a hot mess even though we are not together anymore. I call up the Princess to get her opinion of the situation, she laughs about and tell me that she wishes she could come in just to see this for herself. I keep thinking that this is going to be awkward, so I pretend I need something from my car and go sit in it for five minutes giving myself time to think about what am I going to say to him when I see him. I finally got the ovaries to go in there said bye to Princess, and walked in the break room and do you know what I did I started smiling. Like I know I looked  like a crazy person as much smiling I did as I walked to where they were sitting. I sat down and asked Ofc 80s P.S for a fork, I said hey to everyone and sat down and commenced to dig into my plain fried rice,wings, and a vegetable egg roll. All the things I thought I told myself I was going to say to this man slipped my mind as I put my focus on eating, and acting like the most amazing episode of American Dad was on. As I sat in silence they were talking it up about any and everything. So Ofc 80 P.S. starts talking to me and asking me about the probate that I went to at ECSU, he then asks me about the process to get into organizations, I tell him a brief synopsis. Then back to the quiet. So 10 minutes past of me focusing back on American Dad and then they make a comment about how this is how I am when I working the desk, and do you know who chimed in the Gnome. He was like yea I know, so now he has jokes. Then all of a sudden they go into a conversation about boxers and briefs and I can’t help but start laughing really hard to myself because all I can think about is him strolling around in his tightie whities, looking like a white buddha. He must know why I’m laughing at this point because he turns red as a tomato. So dinner continues with more comments about random stuff but then it keeps going back to how the gnome hates his fiance, how he doesn’t want to get married, he keeps telling 80s P.S that he can’t stand that bitch. In my head I’m just thinking why do people do this, they think that staying with a person they hate with that much passion is going to make the children’s lives any better no that will only make it worse. So they continue the bashing of his fiance and then I sense that dinner is almost over so I get up to throw some of my trash away really I was just giving him a 360 view of what he is now once again missing out on. So as they start talking about going to smoke I finally grow another pair of ovaries and tell Ofc Gnome that I never said anything bad about him, I tell him I never had a problem with him, his height, or anything about him. Then he asks me what about his car and I told him what I had told him when we first met why would I talk about your car when I always wanted a beetle, and 80s P.S. said well your a girl so that doesn’t count lol. The Gnome then tells me that he doesn’t want to give me any future blackmail information but that he was the happiest that he had ever been in his life when we were together, but he says that at least now he can see his son everyday. You know I understand that, really I do. Parents would do and endure anything for there children and thats what he is doing now. So over all my reunion dinner with Ofc Gnome was not as awkward as I made it out to be in my head.

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Asher Roth “How Does It Feel”

I saw this and thought of my last post…lol Please refrain from telling the entire workforce how it felt

 

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So Good??

So lately I have been dealing with some issues at work. The main thing is that men gossip more than females do. Let me tell you I have never heard a bunch of men discuss all the latest workplace gossip, who’s doing who, etc. The one thing that is irking me is why is the one dude I actually dated constantly telling people how good I am etc. I mean I know I was his first black girl, and I know he was hypnotized by the goodies but really keep that to your self, don’t tell all my damn co-workers every chance you get about the awesome black girl. I knew something was up when all these random guys started approaching me at work. I mean these aren’t even the cute ones, I guess they think they have a chance because the “gnome” wasn’t that attractive but his eyes were so pretty and he was so nice to me that I gave him a chance 😦 but in the end he ended it in a text message around Christmas time. Still I just wish he would respect me enough not to tell everybody he know about everything he know

 

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Oh how I loathe thee….

This week has been filled with some good and bad times. So first it started with some man telling me about how other men were focusing on mine and another persons bodies. Granted that I think we have nice bodies but don’t base all your assumptions and likeability on just that. So then I’m there another night this week, and I hear some more stuff from another person. I mean can I not work without feeling like you undressing me with your eyes damn it. You know what I hate and despise people who just blatantly openly cheat on there girlfriends, wives, etc. How can you say that you love somebody, that you ready to marry them, ready to buy a house with this person but yet you cheat on them with every hood rat you see. I never understood that, obviously you don’t really love that person. I don’t care how good you are and the things that you can do, nobody deserves to be cheated on and have there feelings hurt just for your pleasure. I really can’t stand how people will start to pay more attention to you when you start ignoring them isn’t that backwards. Don’t start telling I smell good, that I look nice today, when all you doing is pulling me along on your damn string so you can always have me there.

I have a kind of mentor, right and he never holds back on nothing he says. He tells me don’t ask a question you don’t want an honest answer to. So he told me one day last week that this man will start paying attention to me when he thinks I’m almost ready to forget about him completely. He was like he will do it every few months to get me reattached to him and I sat there not believing what he was saying trying my best to find a flaw in his theory but yet I found none. How could it be that I fell for this scam of a man. Granted the last time we actually “dated per se” was last summer, but still through all of that I was still his cheerleader talking about all the goodness of him. This past weekend though I realized it more than ever that he was and will always be the “player” it didn’t matter that he had future wifey at home waiting for him in the bed, he still had to find other places to stick his penis. You know I realized that I felt more pain and hurt for a woman that I didn’t even know than I felt for myself. How is it that she doesn’t see what I and everyone else can plainly now see. When I first saw him and met him I thought he was some kind of godsend. How could he not have been. He was charming, attractive, we shared the same kind of goals, he was in the church, but yet there was something always off about him. I couldn’t figure it out though once he got my oxytocin pumping with all those weekly sessions I was his puppet. Man if I was wasn’t available every time he called ready to be whatever he wanted me to be. That’s the funny thing about sex, when you have sex your body releases oxytocin. Oxytocin is the hormone of love in a way, you see during sex your body releases a hormone(oxytocin) this hormone helps to form the bond of a monogamous relationship with the person you just had sex with. It increases arousal for both the man and woman. It increases the level of trust that you feel with this person. So basically its your bodies way of making you feel “sprung” for this person. So now it starts to make more sense as to why she may not realize the information that everyone else already knows. She believes that she is in a committed monogamous relationship with this man, so her oxytocin levels have increased after each does of love making increasing her trust in this stupid excuse for a man. So she doesn’t really feel that slight hint of women’s intuition in the back of her head like I started to feel when I was with him. I will say that it was great, awesome and a whole lot of other words but in reality I was no more than a summer jump off.

So then my mentor and I start discussing this man I used to date. My mentor always told me from the jump that I was nothing but a trophy to this man, I wasn’t going to be more than the black girl that he can say that he experienced. You know what I told my mentor that he was wrong, that this man was actually nice, that he didn’t just see me for my race he saw me as a woman that he wanted to date. I have begun to get so used to men treating me like crap that when this man actually opened doors, took me on real dates back to back, let me help him cook, layered on the compliments every time he got a chance(oh you smell so good, I can‘t keep my eyes on the road thinking about your beautiful face) I remember one day we were in my room and I told him your eyes are so pretty(they are though, there like some kind of bright blue) and he was like your everything is beautiful. To say the least I was mesmerized. Man you couldn’t tell me nothing. I knew this was going to last for a while. How could it not when he was treating me like this from the jump(and this was without any release of oxytocin). I’m not going to say that I didn’t feel awkward when we would walk around downtown. It seemed like every black man was staring at me as I walked down the street with this white man. I sometimes felt entirely out of place when we were in public but I pushed it aside because I was so enamored with the way he treated me. So could you believe the shock on my face when I got a text one day telling me that we couldn’t be together because of his old girlfriend. I couldn’t believe it I cried for like a day wondering what did I do, thinking about how I messed up this wonderful opportunity. Especially when my sister had actually liked this guy. We didn’t think he was like a Brad Pitt or nothing but we thought he was cute, nice and he treated me right so that was all that mattered. Man did I feel weird the next time I saw him. I remember he walked up to where I was at one day and was like “hi stranger” in my head I was screaming at him like how could you say hi stranger to me. I was the one who was dumped by you for a woman that you can’t stand. I was the one who still texted the mythical creature sometimes to see how you were doing, but yet you call me the stranger. I hated him in my heart for so long after that happened. I couldn’t imagine that a guy can go from treating you like a queen to you suddenly becoming the peasant. But yet my mentor had saw it coming a MILE away, so when I finally told him he was like told you so.

this is how im feeling lol

this is how i'm feeling lol

 

This man my 3+2=5

I feel like a winner when your around me…these were the words I listened to all day while I had Karina Pasain’s song on repeat. For the last three months I have been engaged in a war of emotion, I have been feeling strange and unknowing about it all. Ever since I met you I felt something…I don’t know how to explain the feeling I felt the first time I got close to you, the first time our lips touched, the feel of your embrace. All of this seems so new to me once again. It seems like everything around me is starting to remind me of you, I can’t go a day without thinking about you at least once. I have smelled your cologne every where I go, you know how things can make you remember well that does it for me every time. Some of my friends don’t really understand what I see in you, all they see is the age difference. I know what kind of man I want after so many years of disappointment. When I wrote that letter to God asking him to send me a man that fit all the things that I wrote, I never would have known that this could be you. Everything I asked for you process, the integrity, the smile, the humor, the strength, everything that I ever asked for in man you have that. When I get around you I feel like me only slightly different if that makes any sense. You see everyday I want to see you, or speak to you, but I can’t. Every time I want to call you, I freeze up. I don’t know what it is but sometimes I feel that while you may be what I need, I don’t know if I’m what you need. From the time we have spent together every chance I get I’m trying to understand you. I’m trying to read you and find out the person that you are. It’s hard to say what’s on my mind when I’m around you, I get so stuck on my words. It’s hard to explain the way I feel for you, every time that I’m near you it’s like my heart gets weak. Since I don’t really understand you yet, I always second guess myself when I’m around you, it seems like either I’m to quiet or I will corny comments. I remember when I was riding in your car, and I asked you what you see this as…and neither one of us could answer the question. I don’t see you as a fling, a rebound, or anything like that. I know what I had before has been over for years now, I saw that we were growing apart and headed in two different directions. It doesn’t make sense to force yourself to stay with a person who you know isn’t right for you and I saw that. It had nothing to do with me meeting you, this all was inevitable. I feel like I have to do this slowly, I feel like everything about you is reality. I know that fantasy is what you want and reality is what you need in your life and you fit the bill. You seem to know just what you want in life, you know where you want to be, you know what’s right for you. While I have just realized the full capacity of who I am as a person, you have known for years. One of my friends said that I shouldn’t date you because it would seem like you were taking advantage of me, but I don’t see it like that we are both adults. Another one of my friends told me he respected me more than he ever has when I told him about you, because he said I was finally living my life for me, no need to worry what people thought about me, not worrying about what people say about me. I’m not going to say it all came from being with you, but it did help. When I’m around you I feel this security, this feeling of caring, I just can’t explain it really. My only thought now is what do you see me and this as? Am I just somebody to get your kicks with, or do you see me as the person God set out for you to see. That has been my question from the last time I saw you, what am I? I know what I see you as; in my eyes you are…so many things. My soror has been telling me to go ahead and tell you how I feel about you but I can’t, I just don’t think I could take get my feelings rejected. Yes you have told me you like me, but I can like a carrot and not what to eat it. I know that was a bad analogy, but I know you like me, but the question that has been going over and over in my head is do you want to be with me. I know I can run the plays over and over in my head all day but until the quarterback makes that decisions we will all just running around like chickens with out a head. I know I’m not trying to get my feeling to deeply involved with you until I know the answer…I would rather know now if nothing is going to come out this than get my feelings hurt from falling love with you later. Just something to think on.