Boyfriend/Girlfriend #2

In this world we have people and most have relationships with other people, but sometimes they may get unhappy, or just bored in said relationship. Then they go out and meet another person who they feel like is the missing piece to there puzzle or maybe they just need to unwind with something new. This is for all the boyfriend/girlfriend number 2‘s out there. The people who go into relationships with people knowing that they have major attachments already, or sometimes you don’t find out until its to late that they were just the side piece. 

 

Dear BF/GF #2,

 

                     You are the side dish, sidepiece, appetizer, whatever it is that you call your self nowadays. You are the person who only gets calls when your “friend” leaves the house, is at work, or is going home. You are the person in their phone by your last name, or maybe Bob and Jim when your really Beth and Sarah. You are the person who puts up with late night visits in lieu of real dates because you can’t be seen out in public with each other (unless your with somebody really bold, or you guys went to another town for your date). You ever notice that if yall do go somewhere you have to drive your car, or they meet you at the rendezvous (which probably only happens at night). You are the person who tells yourself that you can control your feelings for your “friend” but yet you get upset when they tell you they can’t call you for a couple of days because they are not in town. You sometimes find your self feeling as if you are getting neglected because your “friend” had to stay home with the BF/GF/Fiancé/Wife/Husband you get the point right. The thing is that you have a person who is selfish that wants their cake and eat it too. Your “friend” is getting the best of both worlds while you twiddle your thumbs in the hopes that they might text you tonight. You see that right there I said text because to actually call you would be to much, calling lets you hear emotion, you can read more from a voice conversation than from someone sending you a text about the same thing. How many times does it take you texting them for them to finally reply. When you do finally get together your “friend” only has one thing on their mind, they don’t want to know how your week (because its probably been a week since you last seen them, hey you can’t be late home everyday) has been, if you finally got that raise at work, they are there for one thing only-to get some and bounce. Sometimes you may get the ones who have true emotions for you and who really want to care about you, who may even love you in their own little warped way, but are stuck in a situation where its best to be in a place where they feel the most pain, than be with the person who truly makes them happy. Those situations are the ones were it will leave you in the worst shape. With every bit of emotion they show towards you, you will find yourself giving it back two fold. You will do this because you want them to see that you are better than the person they are with, that the feelings that they feel when they are around you can only be caused by you. But the reality is that they will never leave their BF/GF/Wife/Husband/Fiancé for you. You my friend will always be the cube steak to the filet minion they have at home. Don’t get me wrong cube steak is good, but filet minion is better. That person they leave at home for you, has something about them that makes them constantly go back them. They have some need that only their BF/GF/Wife/Husband/Fiancé can help or fix, whether it be a child, finances, a home, cars, family ties, hell even a job sometimes(bosses need love too). Do you know what comes from being a BF/GF #2 nothing but heartache, regret, and unrequited love. But even when people know all these things they still put themselves thru the motions of this elaborate game. They still carry that small flame in their heart that one day their “friend” will allow them to take the place of BF/GF/Wife/Husband/Fiancé #1, and if it does happen what makes you think that when yall get together that there won’t be a new BF/GF/Wife/Husband/Fiancé #2.

 

Distance

Today I have decided that I’m going to post some of my poetry hope you enjoy

The difference between black and blue

Is the gray matter that now lives between

Flourishing once into carnal delights

Now the time has come for overview

Your insight is muddled damaged at the least

Tattered are the chances to reconcile

Heartstrings are decapitated

Aimlessly frock licking with whatever opens

No understanding of the anguish you create

Passion enkindled but you found a way

To tear at it piece by piece until it was gone

Making a mockery of what was

No care for the souls you devour

With each curve of your lips hearts flutter

But to one like you, just another notch

Another chance to wet your head

Can one so beautiful be so callous

So condescending, so desensitized

Your heart and soul are colder than an arctic breeze

My mind plays tricks on me, I’m torn betwixt

Knowing you sets me afire one moment

And then drains my essence the next

Never has a human been able to cause such distress

Wanting you to stay close

Not ever wanting to be with out

Damaging my soul with each new day

Waiting for that one moment of realization

Where you will see that it was me all along

Stranding the darkness waiting for the light

Shattered is my conscience, story of a broken heart

Foundations have been built around you

Cracking with each new blow to its center

You walk all over it but still I stay

Biting my tongue at any hint of flaw

Covering up the damage that is you

Asking my self is this how you want me to be, torn

In LOVE with a man who doesn’t love you

Wanting to feel that touch if only for a millisecond

Destroying my frame each time we kiss

Sending me into heaven each time we make love

Forever I wait for the day

When my touch will be enough to take your pain away

With out you my stars disappear leaving my sky dark

But still I ask is this what I want, one sided love

Looking at our picture makes me heavyhearted

Untangling myself from you a little at a time

Will it always be this struggle to get you to see

I don’t know how much more I can take before I implode

I know what the difference between black and blue is…

Its you

Mr. TxtBrkrUpr

Dear Text Break upper,

 

            So it’s been a while since I have spoken to you but really did you ever really hear my voice in the first place. You sir enjoyed the simplicity and the non scariness of texting versus phone conversation.  I had to change my plan to unlimited with the amount of texts I was getting from you. I mean with the job that you have and that I will have you can’t really be on the phone all the time. So  I’m not saying that I didn’t enjoy the random winks, walk bys, giggles, etc that would pass between us….but alas it wasn’t meant to be. After reading Damon’s blog at Thismayconcernyou.com I decided it was time to really finally put this thing to rest. You Mr. Text Breaker upper you hurt me in 130 words or less. I sat and ridiculed myself countless times trying to decipher the flaws that I must have to make you have the audacity to end it the way you did. Over the months I have came to the realization that you and I were not right for each other. You see I’m glad that we got to be together but I knew that it wouldn’t have worked out for the best. One, you smoke and I didn’t realize this when we first started dating/talking because I never smelled the cancer sticks, but once I realized that you have to smoke every night before you went to bed then yea that wasn’t a good sign I want to live. Two, people with attachment issues are just not great to be in a relationship with. You had way too many attachments that would have only had me jealous or yearning for something more half the time than really enjoying the relationship. Three, dating people you work with is always a tricky situation. I know me I get excited about things and then I tell my friends, who then get more excited and tell their friends and now look everyone knows that we are dating. So then they start watching you and trying to find flaws or see if you come in happy or sad, and then there is that akward phase of trying to ignore each other it’s just ridiculous really. Four, religion plays a major part in my life my father’s a preacher, my mother’s a deaconess, my grandparents were elders of their churches. I’m just at the point in my life where I’m trying to really see where I fit in my religion and you being the anti religion, anti god person you are it would have been nothing but arguments if ever you would have come around my family. But even though it didn’t work out I’m glad I did get the opportunity to date a man who appreciates a woman, a man who isn’t afraid to tell you look beautiful in the mornings, one who loves being a man, opening doors, walks on the beach, walks down town, that slight cockiness that you possessed, the way your smile is kinda crooked, the way you would look at me before you left or went to sleep, see you showing me these things has only made me want to have them in my next relationship. You see Mr. Text breaker upper you showed me the yin and the yang of how I want my relationships to be like. You showed me that I didn’t need some big tall guy that is more focused on his self. I need someone who wants to love me and will do anything to keep that love with me. You showed me that even as you ended it with me to go back to someone with whom you had history with. You showed me that it should be a requirement for a man to text/call you at random times of the day just to tell you that you’re beautiful, that thinking about you made their day better, that they can’t stop thinking about the way you walk, that they just love everything about you. You showed me a man should want to be out in public with you, that you can just walk and have a good time, that you didn’t just have to sit in a house all day and just watch TV. You showed me the power of love to pull you back to the things that really matter the most to you. In a way I found myself with you. So to you Mr. TxtBrkrUpr thanks again for the love you showed me and the pain you put me thru. It all worked out in the end.

 

Sincerely,

Turtle

Orange Love

This is so freakin cute check it out

Selfish

My friend was talking to me the other day about the problems he has with his girlfriend. He was telling me how that now that she is about to go to college she wants to break up and live her life, but expects him to be there with open arms waiting for her when she finally decides that she has experienced enough. Now this is selfish of her to think that this man is going to wait around for her. I know all to well about this myself. How do you say you love somebody but then you do everything that you used to do. You don’t love that person if you can just as easily go to somebody else and do all the things you do with your man/woman. That just called being selfish. You can’t have your cake and eat it too, and when you do get to do it some thing always goes wrong

Now you see my problem is I love easy, but I don’t trust easily. Then another thing is that I’m an extremely nice person, who will put up with so much more than is within normal standards. So even if you just trashed my room one day, or you got me threated by somebody I will still stick by you no matter what you do to me. In a way some people do tend to try to run over me and try to take advantage of me. When I look at myself I know I hate saying no to anyone, I always feel the need to be the person you can call on. I string myself along so far till I have no room left for myself. People know this about me, that’s why they do the things that they do to me. When I love somebody I really love them, like my dreams are filled with images of whoever the person is, it seems like everything will remind you of that person no matter where you at. I can look at a bench and think of the time we sat there for an hour talking about life, I can look at a rose and think of the one he gave me for valentines, I can look at a pair of clippers and think of him, I can see a picture of John Cena and think of him, I can think about a mix cd and think of him, I can think of Florida and think of him, I can think about a certain type of car and it will too.

(Now you may ask yourself what this has to do with selfish people just keep reading)

That’s where problems always start. So how are you to separate the two, that is the question? Well it took me a long time to figure it out but you never can really fully separate the two. My best friend from Maple Hill and I had this problem while we were growing up. We started off as friends who worked together for my cousin, and then as we matured through the years we saw each other in a new light. It wasn’t just the friendship love it was full blown romantic love. Now we never did anything before, meaning sexual things. Our love was based on the interactions of our friendship. We couldn’t figure out how to deal with it all through high school and then I started dating this guy which made it worse. The whole time I was dating this guy it was always awkward when all of us would try to hang out, because we knew that we loved each other and that nothing was going to come out it, but never the less we knew we loved each other. He would get jealous sometimes at the way my boyfriend would treat me. He and my brother would threaten to double team my boyfriend just because they didn’t like something he had done. I know that he protected me like that because he loved me; he made sure he was the person I could depend on even if my boyfriend couldn’t do something for me. He laid his heart out to me and really at the time I didn’t fully realize the capacity to which he loved me. This man would do anything for me, he knew how to make me smile when my boyfriend would do something stupid and make me cry. He made sure making me happy was his number one priority even when the person I was going with didn’t seem to care about me.

(the explanation is coming just keep going I got off on a tangent)

The time came when I finally went to college and I was about to be a sophomore when he couldn’t take loving me anymore. We stopped talking for about a year. He couldn’t stand to see me hurting anymore, he would constantly tell me that this man was wrong for me; we stopped talking so he could move on with his life. When we did stop talking I felt like a dunce because I knew that the person God wanted me to be with had moved on. I had sat there for years wasting my life on this man who only cares in the world where work and money. After a year passed we finally began talking, I met his girlfriend and everything but now I knew how it felt to be in love with a friend and there was nothing you could do about it.

The only way to maybe make it less apparent was to not be around that person anymore. See I felt just like T felt I was jealous of the relationship that he had with her. In my mind I felt like he was spending to much time with her and neglecting our friendship. I couldn’t take it so I thought that maybe trying to ignore him would help me get through it. It DIDN’T. It just made me think about him more than before. When you are in a relationship with someone its important for you to know the people your other half is involved with. You can’t base a relationship off of nothing. How can you not know who is friends with your other half. You need to really dig deep and find out all you can about the people your man spends time with. That person that your man/woman keeps saying is just a “friend” will turn out to be the other man/woman in there life. Believe me if you want to, but I know all to well about people who are just friends. Do you know how many times I have heard that in my short life only to find concrete evidence to point to another conclusion? Now if you do actually make an effort to become cordial with the people who surround your man then look for signs. Check to see if there are special little looks they give each other, if they have pet names for each other, have inside jokes, they seem to navigate around just each other and no one else the entire time, then maybe you should not be scared but you should dig deeper. I’m not saying that people really just can’t be friends and do this stuff, but this is an idea of things that tend to be seen in the previous observance. People can usually sense when somebody likes the person they are dating, and that was the problem for us when he started dating her she sensed it, but before my boyfriend really was naïve to it all. That’s the problem with some peoples significant others they are stupid to the fact that someone that is a friend to there man/woman is in love with them. They sit and believe all the nonsense that others tell them, when the truth is right in there face. They would rather stick with a person who’s heart really isn’t all the way there’s. What is worse is when there best friends tell them that the person is not fully with them and they still stick with that person. I can’t really say that they are stupid but it is more of a naivety among the younger generation.

They think just because someone says that they love you, you think that they don’t lie to you. You a fool to believe that the person you with has never lied to you at all. You show people you love them through actions, and if your actions are telling someone that you don’t want to be with them why don’t they see it???? I’m sorry but if you cheat on somebody you don’t want to be with, there’s something in the back of your mind that’s telling you its alright to do this because you don’t want to be with this person. See that’s where the selfishness comes back in, you want to be able to have a relationship, have a side girl/guy, and still hold on to the front that you love this person please stop lying to yourself. The first time you do it maybe it can be ruled off as a mistake, second time maybe…, but after three times of doing the same thing you know what you are doing. You can’t say you feel guilty when you let yourself make the same mistake over and over. You chose to do things your way, no one forces you to open up your leg or put your junk in something. Please don’t have the world thinking you are saint blah blah blah when you really aren’t. see what I learned from T was that if you love someone and you see them being hurt, manipulated, bamboozled, and you tell them this sometimes you just have to leave to them self and let them fix the problems that they find themselves in. you can’t save all your friends, you can’t be there for everyone all the time, and you really can’t convince anyone of the TRUTH when they don’t want to see it. This I learned and have been told quite a few times about it myself so I know. I know that I let this man run over me and never chose to see the things he was doing to me, I was miserable but yet I was in love. I can’t really explain but you get my drift. My friends would try to save me all day they would try to show me what I didn’t want to see. You have to want to see that a person is not right for you. There is no point staying with a DOG because he is just go and lay down with everyone that will let him be with them. But really the whole point of this was about people being selfish. Don’t say you love someone but you feel the need to still go and do the things you would do before you met them. Selfishness is not a good look in a relationship at all. But anyway I’m tired of talking about selfishness so I’m out.

This man my 3+2=5

I feel like a winner when your around me…these were the words I listened to all day while I had Karina Pasain’s song on repeat. For the last three months I have been engaged in a war of emotion, I have been feeling strange and unknowing about it all. Ever since I met you I felt something…I don’t know how to explain the feeling I felt the first time I got close to you, the first time our lips touched, the feel of your embrace. All of this seems so new to me once again. It seems like everything around me is starting to remind me of you, I can’t go a day without thinking about you at least once. I have smelled your cologne every where I go, you know how things can make you remember well that does it for me every time. Some of my friends don’t really understand what I see in you, all they see is the age difference. I know what kind of man I want after so many years of disappointment. When I wrote that letter to God asking him to send me a man that fit all the things that I wrote, I never would have known that this could be you. Everything I asked for you process, the integrity, the smile, the humor, the strength, everything that I ever asked for in man you have that. When I get around you I feel like me only slightly different if that makes any sense. You see everyday I want to see you, or speak to you, but I can’t. Every time I want to call you, I freeze up. I don’t know what it is but sometimes I feel that while you may be what I need, I don’t know if I’m what you need. From the time we have spent together every chance I get I’m trying to understand you. I’m trying to read you and find out the person that you are. It’s hard to say what’s on my mind when I’m around you, I get so stuck on my words. It’s hard to explain the way I feel for you, every time that I’m near you it’s like my heart gets weak. Since I don’t really understand you yet, I always second guess myself when I’m around you, it seems like either I’m to quiet or I will corny comments. I remember when I was riding in your car, and I asked you what you see this as…and neither one of us could answer the question. I don’t see you as a fling, a rebound, or anything like that. I know what I had before has been over for years now, I saw that we were growing apart and headed in two different directions. It doesn’t make sense to force yourself to stay with a person who you know isn’t right for you and I saw that. It had nothing to do with me meeting you, this all was inevitable. I feel like I have to do this slowly, I feel like everything about you is reality. I know that fantasy is what you want and reality is what you need in your life and you fit the bill. You seem to know just what you want in life, you know where you want to be, you know what’s right for you. While I have just realized the full capacity of who I am as a person, you have known for years. One of my friends said that I shouldn’t date you because it would seem like you were taking advantage of me, but I don’t see it like that we are both adults. Another one of my friends told me he respected me more than he ever has when I told him about you, because he said I was finally living my life for me, no need to worry what people thought about me, not worrying about what people say about me. I’m not going to say it all came from being with you, but it did help. When I’m around you I feel this security, this feeling of caring, I just can’t explain it really. My only thought now is what do you see me and this as? Am I just somebody to get your kicks with, or do you see me as the person God set out for you to see. That has been my question from the last time I saw you, what am I? I know what I see you as; in my eyes you are…so many things. My soror has been telling me to go ahead and tell you how I feel about you but I can’t, I just don’t think I could take get my feelings rejected. Yes you have told me you like me, but I can like a carrot and not what to eat it. I know that was a bad analogy, but I know you like me, but the question that has been going over and over in my head is do you want to be with me. I know I can run the plays over and over in my head all day but until the quarterback makes that decisions we will all just running around like chickens with out a head. I know I’m not trying to get my feeling to deeply involved with you until I know the answer…I would rather know now if nothing is going to come out this than get my feelings hurt from falling love with you later. Just something to think on.

My Resoulutions…Yea its late

 

     It seems that no matter how much good you do in this world bad things happen to you. I have for the past few months let one of my friends stay with me. I went out my way to make sure they felt safe and secure. It was a challenge to say the least but I felt that I was doing the right thing by doing all this, but yet in the end what happened I was made to look like the bad guy when all I did was treat some one better than most friends would have ever treated someone like them. It seems like now people tend to drift in and out of my life. Some people feel that they can drag me along and then just use me at there own discretion. The way I feel about life now is totally different than what I felt before. I look back at 2008 and think about all the things that happened to me. I met some wonderful people, some who I formed relationships with others where just passerby. Out of all the people I met though I can say one of them made me stronger than I was before. With all there constant picking, teasing, and how much they confused me all the time. I can honestly say the experience was well worth it. I remember so many times looking back asking people why somebody would treat me like this, and no matter what they did I never really seemed to mind. I grew a lot out of that relationship or whatever it was. I was still at the point in my life where I was trying to be this obedient person who never got in trouble, I would sit there and take crap from people and not say nothing and my excuse was that I was trying to be polite I was trying to be respectful…but sometimes you have to break out. Those few months where it was all about you really taught me a lot about the person I wanted to be. Its funny how so many people see so many different sides to me. My next door neighbors always talking about how “hood” I am which clearly I am far from that. I was born and raised in Maple Hill the country, I don’t care how many times people holler that maple hill is so hard, but truth is Maple Hill is a nice country town that’s great to raise kids in. People choose to be corrupted by their surroundings but I didn’t. I made the most out of a boring environment. I got off subject but any they see me like that because around them they always see the big bold side of my personality. They see the version that is never taking nobodies’ crap, they see the one who is always ready to jump in and help my best friend when he is in trouble, they see the version that is not scared to say anything to anybody. At other places most people see the quiet version of me. They see the girl who only says hello, and goodbye. I’m not saying that I don’t talk to anyone at my but I pick and choose. I starting to warm up to more people and actually hold conversations with more than the select few that I already called associates. You can see me walking down the hall and have so many different ideas about the person that I really am. I know most peoples first thoughts about me is that I’m stuck up. They usually tell me that because I never talked to people. I was always focused on what I was doing and nothing else. Which is far from the truth, I’m not stuck up. I am a reserved person, who chooses when to let my presence be known. Since this new year started I have just felt the need to live more, not just focusing on my friends and families needs but my own. I know people are always saying that they are just going to be about themselves. But the thing is that I don’t want to be about myself I just need to find the balance in being the best Kameko and being a better person towards the ones I care about. In this transition to making myself a better person there are something’s that I want to see happen.

 

1. I’m no longer going to entertain men that don’t know what they want or need in a woman. I have had so many men approach me and try to talk to me when they don’t have there life together. They don’t know if they want someone from their past back, they can seem to decide if they want to be a playboy all there life…if you pushing 30 its time to settle down and stop sleeping with everything you meet. P.S don’t talk to me if you got a ring on that finger!!! I waiting on MR RIGHT TO FIND ME, NOT MR. RIGHT NOW no matter how good the things you can do are. Just because its good don’t mean its good for you!!!!!

2. Stop entertaining men who think that they are prettier than me. Yes you are an attractive man, ok ok you sexy but please stop looking at pictures of yourself all the time. Stop taking longer than me to get ready to go out. Stop dumping the entire bottle of cologne on your body before leaving your house. I understand you need, no live off attention but everybody doesn’t want you.

3. Stop hanging around people who use others for everything. I know everyone uses everyone else for something but if the only time you ever call somebody is to ask them favor then your who I’m talking to. If every text starts with hey…can you? Then you are who I am talking to.

4. Stop dealing with people who live in the past…yes I know bad things happened to you but you don’t need to let the entire world feel guilty because of something that we couldn’t help. Stop trying to make everyone feel pity on you that’s lame.

5. Stop living in the past with relationships…I can say that I am no longer suffering from this. I looked at my past relationships and know that they won’t work. Sometimes you have to look at the hurt that the other person caused you. Do you really want to reopen those wounds. You only setting yourself for more heartache. I personally don’t want to see my friends hurt by anyone they once had feelings for. If you constantly use other excuses to try to make a reason to be somebody then its not right. I see so many people who end up having kids with these people they keep running back to, think about it your not just hurting yourself now but now you have a kid who is going to grow up feeling all that tension, and heartache from parents who should have stayed apart

6. Stop dealing with clingy people…if you don’t know by now then I’m letting you know now I HATE to feel smothered by people. Give me space, let me breathe. I hate when people throw themselves on you. Honestly I don’t want to hang out everyday, I don’t want to talk everyday, I like being alone sometimes.

7. Stop expecting me to be able to do everything you want me to do…i.e. I have a life too.

8. You know what I like to do in my spare time read, write, draw, go on ride alongs(don‘t judge me damnit…I like them b/c I‘m actually learning stuff), go see my family. I like to go out sometimes but clubs just are not me most of the time, and I love to cook when I have food lol. So stop asking me what I like to do, stop judging me because I actually enjoy being at work, yes I like, no love doing ride alongs. You know why?? If I’m trying to do this job then I would like to get a picture of what I’m going to be doing. Yes I know that every time is not going to be exciting but so what when I’m on the streets I can’t call out just because nobody is doing crap that night. Dang people stop thinking just because I’m riding with certain people means something. You know what it means, I’m comfortable with those people and the things they teach me. I’m not trying to sleep with these people. Get off your high horse people. There are other more important things to talk about than my life.

9. I want to get healthy…I know we as a black people appreciate some extra meat on them bones, but do you want to risk high blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol, etc. Get better people you only have one life to live, don’t waste it checking in and out of hospitals, riding in ambulances (no matter how attractive the EMS workers are lol) if you feel something wrong then go get checked out don’t wait till its to late.

10. MAKE KAMEKO HAPPY!!!!!! No matter what that entails I’m going to be happy. No matter how much heartache I go through my life will remain relevant and it will stand for something. Change is good and I claim my life to be a great one, one full of love, full of joy, full of family, full of the things that make me feel better. I want a better spiritual life, I know nobody is perfect, but I’m going to get my life as close as I can to my own personal idea of perfection. More to come later this week….